


A Dead Man's Wedding

by allcatsareblackinthedark



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Corpse Bride AU, F/M, Magic, non-consensual marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 22:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8345704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allcatsareblackinthedark/pseuds/allcatsareblackinthedark
Summary: Bilbo Baggins was just looking for some mushrooms, not to become a bride. When she finds a plain, gold ring in the forest, she finds that the choice is out of her hands entirely.





	

Bilbo Baggins was not a stupid woman. At least, she had not believed herself to be. Not very many people wake up and one day decide ‘well, I suppose I am stupid’. Usually, that comes after doing something incredibly stupid. Such as going mushroom picking. Now, mushroom picking itself was not a horrible thing. It was rather pleasant sometimes, to feel the sun on your face and the grass under your feet. It was rather unpleasant to find yourself chained to an eternity with someone you just met. Of course, we’re getting too far ahead in this story.

Now, many years ago, or at least it seems like it had been, a young man named Kili Durin had fallen in love. This was very very stupid, for the object of his affections was Tauriel Thranduilion. She was a nice enough girl, a little thin for my own tastes to be truthful, but calm and mellow and utterly besotted with him in return. She was also the niece of Thranduil Thranduilion, the essential arch nemesis of his family line, which is why it was stupid be involved with her at all. If you have even read a bit of Shakespeare, you might understand where this romance was destined to end up.

It was hardly anytime before the romance was discovered and both families were livid at the development, as I imagine I might be if my child was the one cavorting. Of course, feuds are never very simple, because that would obviously be far too easy. Apparently no one can be well mannered and have a discussion over dinner. Especially if your family has magic. The Durins and Thranduilions were both imbued with great magic and magic potential, and of course this factored into how the love story ended. It seems that star crossed lovers never make it out whole, or at least not in classic literature.

Unfortunately, the one to bear the consequences for the dalliance was solely Kili Durin. He had been lured into the forest by a letter from his love, seeking to elope and move far from her uncle’s power. Of course, the note was not penned by his true love’s hand, but rather Thranduil himself. With his back turned, he shot Kili in the back with a powerful spell. I’m sure it was horrendous, as it was described to me. His flesh melted from his bones and the earth rose up in great waves to suck him beneath, where he was trapped. Thranduil had cursed him into a state that was not alive nor dead, but stuck beneath the earth like a living corpse. To be a further bastard, pardon my language dear, he placed additional layers onto to curse, because nothing is simple, as I’ve said.

He also tied Kili’s fate to an enchanted ring which he buried by the body. The only way to be released was for someone to find it and wear it. The wearer would be magically bound and married to the poor Kili. This was to be forever binding, so Kili could not pursue his love even if he was freed from his earthen prison. Now, Thranduil couldn’t leave it at that, now could he? He also placed a spell on the area in which Kili was buried, using illusion and confusion to deter any visitors from Kili’s tomb.

Of course, magic has its faults too. Why my cousin was cursed with a bad case of boils once and it only lasted a few weeks. Now that I think about it, I wonder if it wasn’t really a curse. She did tend to get the nastiest skin irritations. Never mind that, we’re talking about an undead boy. Five years after he was first buried, he had his first visitor to his grove. Bilbo Baggins was a sweet enough girl, always helpful and quite a dear honestly. She had left home to forage for some mushrooms, as she had quite a taste for them and they are wonderful sauteed in butter or in a stew, I like them in gravies, myself. Now, for whatever reason, the magic around the grove had faded or twisted or something like that, you can never quite tell with magic, and allowed her into itself.

Of course, the grove was a grove and Bilbo thought nothing of it than being a part of the forest. It was hard to notice that no birds were twittering in the trees or squirrels running amok through the underbrush, trying to trip poor innocent beings just trying to go for a nice walk. To those who didn’t know better, it was simply a part of the forest that they had not yet discovered. How could she know that it wasn’t actually seen for half a decade?

Now, she found some mushrooms before coming to the clearing, mostly porcinis and a fairly decent sized hen of the woods, but she had never seen so many mushrooms as she had in that clearing. There was a huge, nearly a field, full of chanterelles, which are quite good and one of my own favorites. They are wonderful with potatoes or in a chowder, which I’m sure is exactly what Bilbo was thinking. She took out her little pocketknife and cut mushrooms off at the base, which is what you do when you intend for them to grow back. From what I understand, she got through nearly half of them and had a full basket before she started to cut a particularly big one. She could hear the clink of her knife against metal, which probably hurt her ears, and found a curious ring on the base of the chanterelle!

Now, I don’t know if you are aware, but a decomposing body is an excellent source of nutrients, especially one that has been decomposing and recomposing for several years. It was indeed right over Kili’s body that Bellflower had been foraging. The ring had managed to be dragged up by years of fungi growth and was hooked on the mushroom that Bilbo had found. When she pulled it off the mushroom, she looked at it, for it was a rather curious thing to find jewelry out in the wild, I’m sure. It was a pretty, simple ring. Just simple gold with an inscription in an alphabet she did not know.

I don’t know if it was a childish fantasy or some destined force, but Bilbo felt like she needed to put on the ring. Have you followed so far? Of course, this lead to some horrific events. A man, just popping up out of the ground like some B-List actor in a bad zombie movie. His flesh was resealing itself onto his bones and his lifeblood was flowing into him again. Of course, this must have been horrific to watch, and Bilbo was very right in fainting away, the poor thing!

Kili felt horribly guilty, it wasn’t like he wanted her to see him like that, and took her to the most familiar place he knew. Now, it had been five years since he had been cursed, but he still knew the way to the Durin Manor. When he showed up on the doorstep, looking like he hadn’t aged a day, which I suppose magic does to you, I’m sure there was a chambermaid or two who fainted away as well!

His family was overjoyed to see him, and it turns out that they knew about the curse. After he was buried, Thranduil had come to them to gloat over how Kili would probably never be resurrected, or at least not for years, and that he would never be able to be with Tauriel. Unfortunately, we never heard Tauriel’s part to the story, for Thranduil had taken himself and his family and fled, like cowards, to some far reaches that the Durins could not find. They had not expected the curse to break so soon, but they were glad to have their lost son back.

As Kili explained the circumstance of his revival, his mother, Dis, an intelligent soul she is, had set Bilbo up in a guest room to recover from her fright. Dis suggested that Kili wait to see who was now his eternal bride, because seeing the object, or rather person, of your fright was not conducive to healing. I can’t imagine the shock of seeing a human recompose themselves in front of your very eyes!

Kili learned in his absence that his great-grandfather and grandfather had both passed, the first in a dragon fight, you know how magic families are, and the second in a battle. His uncle, Thorin, was the head of the household now. Most amusingly, his twin brother Fili had, of course, aged while his brother had been gone, and looked half a decade older than his fourteen-minute younger twin.

Of course, commiserating with his family after a long time of being tortured under six feet of earth was welcome, but he was very nervous about the woman that he had married, through no choice of his or her own. He could only pray that it would work out and that she did not hate him, or could at least tolerate him after what he had inevitably caused to come upon her.

What did Bilbo think of all this? Well, when she woke up, she almost believed it to be a dream. I imagine that’s a much easier way to think about it, like some nightmare you get after watching a few too many scary movies. Of course, she wasn’t soothed by the fact that she was in a room that was not her own, much less in her own home. Shortly after waking, Dis had gone in and tried to soothe her.

The answer could not be withheld from her, not in good conscious, so Dis explained gently that Bilbo was now wed for her happily forever after to the corpse-man she just saw. Of course, Dis is far more tactful than I will ever be, and said it far better. Bilbo was still, rather understandably, distraught. She tried to pull the ring off, which was enchanted to stay on of course, and to bargain with Dis, as if it had been her idea to curse her youngest son.

Dis tried to calm her, and assured her that her son did not normally look like he had, thank goodness for her sake, and he was attached flesh and blood now, as the curse had somewhat ended. Bilbo felt a little better, but hardly much. After all, she had meant to pick mushrooms, not be married to a stranger for the rest of her life. Not that she had a choice anymore, of course. Bilbo asked to be left alone for a moment, and Dis was rather obliging about it. 

Bilbo probably thought about her predicament for some time, and I could not fathom what must have been zipping through her head. Afterall, marriage was usually rather lasting, other than annulment and divorce, but this was truly lasting. Marriage also was usually more consensual. She understood that he had not asked for it either and was comforted by that fact, even though she was also unhappy to be the barrier of him and his true love.

Eventually, she left the room she had been recuperating in to seek out Dis, or perhaps her husband, or maybe just someone in general for company. As I’ve said, I can’t quite imagine what her emotional state could have been like, for I’ve never been married against my will. The first person she found was actually her husband’s twin. He was a bit surprised to see her out and about, as I would have thought she’d stay in there longer myself, if I hadn’t know Bilbo better.

Bilbo was still rather frightened, but she was curious as well. She asked more about the curse and of his twin. She wanted to know who he was and what he was like. I suppose that if you’re married already, you make the best of it. Fili was honest with her and told him of them as children and as adolescents, probably stealing cooling pies off windowsills. Eventually, Bilbo agreed to see Kili, which I can only figure took some determination. She was a brave little thing really, rather short but filled to the brim with courage at times. Just six feet of gumption in a little five foot package.

Now, when she met him, I’m sure she was cataloging what he truly looked like, not as a skeletal zombie-like creature, but as a human man. He had shoulder-length brown hair tousled artfully, or perhaps simply mussed, and some stubbly facial hair, versus Bilbo’s dark blonde hair and smooth skin. His eyes were wide and chocolate brown against her bright hazel and his shoulders and stature rather broad, as most Durin's tend to be, but still quite lanky whereas she was a bit stockier and plump. I always thought that they made a beautiful-looking pair, if for their contrasts. I’m sure he was as surprised as his twin that Bilbo was up and about, much less than she was wanting to see him.

The first thing he did, as I’ve heard it, was to apologize to her again and again, for he would never mean to entrap someone else into his curse. Bilbo, the sweet chit, forgave him. He hadn’t meant to do it, of course, and it was her own fault that she put the ring on in the first place. He had asked her if she even wanted to stay, offered to bring her home even. Kili told her that she did not need to be trapped in the marriage and it could be name and magical bond only. Bilbo told him that it was just as well to actually know her husband, which is probably good because I’m unsure how the magical bond might have been if they were separated. 

They didn’t hop right into the marriage bed, if you’ll forgive me for being crass. They got to know each other, of course. They took long walks, not through the forest, and ate dinner with the family and told stories by the fire and whatnot. They grew to be comfortable with each other, at the very least, which is a good first step in my book. Bilbo grew to enjoy being a part of the family, for she did not spend all her time with her husband. Dis was a good friend and a friendly ear to vent to while her son Fili was a good companion when she needed just some time to do something quietly. Her uncle-in-law Thorin was a bit prickly at first, since she was unknown to him and not exactly a planned addition to the family, but she found that they could have great intellectual discussions and often helped with the running of the manor, as her own home was not very small either.

She grew to love Durin Manor and she grew to love the Durins, including her husband. They were great friends first and it all bled into care and compassion and love. They became besotted with each other and always at each others’ sides. It was kind of sickening, honestly, to watch them make lovey-dovey eyes at each other from across the room. Of course, the fact that they fell in love was all the better when Thranduil got wind of it. He didn’t want Kili near his family or his niece, but he also hadn’t wanted him to reawaken so soon or find any love at all. He had hoped it would be some shrewish woman at least, and was rather unpleased that it was a good woman, especially one that Kili fell in love with.

I’m sure they had some showdown, but I never paid much attention to that sort of thing, really. From what I understand, it was Thorin and Thranduil who had some fight and it was determined that neither really won. Thranduil went back to his slinky ways and went off somewhere again to lick his wounds, which is just as well.

Either way, that is the story of two stupid people who did stupid things but found something not-stupid in the end. Or something like that. I was never very good at being philosophical or super smart-sounding. Either way, the moral of the story is to be careful about mushroom hunting- you never know if there is a body underneath.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the notes down for this story in June, after watching Corpse Bride and finding out that mushrooms can indicate dead bodies because of the nutrients. I also wanted to play around with a narrator who inserted their opinion as they pleased, in a Lemony Snickett sort of style. I actually only wrote this tonight, after finding the original notes and because I really wanted to post something after being gone for so long. I miss actually writing, honestly, I just find myself running out of steam and never picking it back up.


End file.
